Before I fell pregnant with Amelia, I was a confident, loud and outgoing person - I loved meeting new people and would be the first to jump into a group of people that I didn't know and introduce myself. I didn't care what anybody thought about me, and I did everything that I wanted to do without thinking twice about it.
During my pregnancy, I shut out so many people in my life. I told myself that these people weren't good enough for my daughter, for many different reasons. But I didn't only ditch the bad people, I also got rid of the good and ended up leaving myself with nobody, I had Paul and Amelia - and that was all I needed. I stayed in all of the time with them two and if people tried to talk to me I would either ignore them or make up an excuse. If I went out, I would feel so panicky and occasionally came home in tears. I would presume that everybody is looking at me, judging me or talking about me. I would tell myself that 'they don't want to talk to me or be my friend' If I go clothes shopping - I feel that I can't go and look at clothes that I like, because somebody will be there thinking 'She would look horrible in that' The worst part of it all, was that I had done it to myself. I shut everybody out, I made myself 'just a mum' and now I had to deal with the consequences.
Once Amelia was about 18 months old, and Paul got himself a job and started making friends - I suddenly realised how alone I had made myself. At first, I treated all of Paul's friends as my own, but sometimes I would just get annoyed with them being here all the time and not being asked about if I wanted them to come round. I seem to see more bad in people that I do good, which causes me to dislike most people. When Paul was at work, I would do anything to not leave the house. I would pretend to be asleep or say I was out if people wanted to come round to see me. As you can tell this caused a lot of strain on Amelia, as she didn't get to see other children much - Which is why I decided that she needed to go into nursery. This was such a good idea because it gives her the social life that she needs, and it also forces me to go out and communicate with people.
For the past year and 3 months I have been having meetings to try and build my confidence and to get me to go out and 'make friends.' I have improved during this time in the sense that I am actually able to walk to the shop by myself now and if somebody that I don't know talks to me then I no longer turn into a tomato. I have tried going to baby groups, adding random people on facebook asking them to be friends, reconnecting with old friends and a lot more and I still don't seem to have connected with anybody.
There's a very small group of people that I actually like/talk to but I wouldn't class them as my 'friends' - Although I do have one friend who I have known for years now, and the reason I call her a friend is because we can go for months without talking and things are still the same when we do. She goes out of her way to buy birthday/christmas presents for me and Amelia, even know we haven't spoken for months. She turned up at my house on my birthday and gave me gifts - I didn't even know she knew it was my birthday.
People always say to me, "if you want friends then go and get some" and "It's not like you have nobody, you have your family" but the thing is - that's not always enough. Everybody needs friends, every girl needs girlfriends. Everybody needs somebody that they can vent to.
There's a few things that I've learnt over the last year, and even though it may not change how I feel, it makes getting by easier.
- Fake it - there's no point looking grumpy all the time, so just put a smile on and when people smile back, it might just make you feel a little more comfortable.
- Find a relation - for me I have Amelia, so if I'm in a situation where I have to talk to people, I will try and talk about children or family life as this is a good conversation starter for me. One of my biggest problems is that I don't know 'how' to talk to people or what to say, so asking questions makes it easier.
- If you want to leave, leave - if you are at a place where you don't feel comfortable, leave. Try not to put yourself in a situation that is going to be tough for you.
- If people invite you places, don't say no. Getting out is a huge step for most, but going out with people that you already know will help you stay calm and allow you to enjoy yourself.
- Set plans for the week - On wednesdays we feed the ducks, it might not be amazing, but it gets us out for 40 minutes.
- Breathe - Nothing else, just breathe. Panic attacks aren't good in public, so just breathe it away.
- Think about what's important - yourself.
If you think you are suffering from social anxiety, there's lots of places that can help you. Ask your doctor if they can refer you to a counselor or if you have children, speak to your health visitor.
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