It seems to me that the biggest worry on most a mothers minds is "Am I good enough for my child?" We live in fear of letting our kids down, or accidentally guiding them down the wrong path. Every decision that a mother has to make, her child will cross her mind. Well I'm here to tell you a story, one that I've never told anybody and I hope that after you read this, it will help you understand that YOU are just as important as your child.
So between the ages of Amelia being 2-3, I was in one of the worst mental states I've ever been in in my whole life. It started when Paul got his first 9-5 job working at B&Q. The thing was, it wasn't that I had to look after Amelia on my own that made it hard, it was purely myself. Every day when Paul left, I felt alone and almost paralyzed by the thoughts that would go through my mind. I would wake up, say bye to Paul, make Amelia's breakfast, and go back to bed. I would cry all day long and Amelia saw all of it. She knew I was sad, but too young to understand why. I still to this day don't know why I felt like that, but the fact of being on my own without Paul was just too crippling for me. Yes I was needy, and too attached, but something was happening inside of my mind to make me feel that way.
I knew I couldn't keep living like that, Paul would invite people round and I would hide under a blanket so they couldn't see my sad, miserable, depressed face. People would call or knock on my door and I would ignore it and then tell them that I was out or asleep. All I had was the walls around me and my child that I could barely look after. Amelia may have only been 2, but she was the bravest kid during this time, although she knew I was upset, she carried on with herself, being a child and playing happily. It could have gone completely different, and I could have made a right mess of everything. But then I started to feel better, again I don't know what changed but I started to feel like I needed to do something for me, to pick myself up instead of relying on other people to make me feel better.
Things got easier and I was able to cope with stuff better, and once Ezra was born I was in a totally different mindset and was so content with the life that I had, two perfect children and a man who loved us all! Now I haven't told you this for sympathy, I'm past it now and I don't look back at it as a sad time. It was more of a learning curve, and it taught me that the only person that control my happiness is myself. I'm glad it happened, it was like all the bad feelings crammed into one year and now I feel that I don't have to worry about little things that us mums often worry about.
I was unwell last year and had to go to hospital for 3 days, I was mentally and physically unwell, being sick continuously and feeling depressed. When I was feeling better, I had people telling me that I abandoned my children, that I didn't care and that I was sick and wrong. Well to me, them 3 days taught me that my children can be perfect fine without me by their side. They were still being fed, still happy and when I came back, everything went straight back to normal. So if somebody else tries telling you that you aren't good enough, or you've done something wrong. Simply don't listen, we all parent different, we all have different children with different minds and personalities. I did nothing wrong in that time apart from be unwell, and people tried to make me feel like the worst mother going.
You might not be able to give your child every single thing they want, you may have to tell your child to leave you alone while you have a breakdown because they've smeared peanut butter into your cream carpet. Parenting is so hard, getting woken up at all hours of the night, making bottles, spilling bottles.. running out of wipes when your baby has done a poo in their nappy. These things happen, to ALL of us, but it's always the way that we react to it that is important.
Your children don't want you to be perfect, all they want is for you to be happy! They look up to you, they want to be you. If all you are is happy, then all your child will want to be is happy, and that's the only thing I want for my children!
People say things to me like "but what if they fail at school?" or "what if they smoke?" well the only thing that I can respond to that with is "so what..." I don't care if my children fail at school, as long as they are happy with their life. If my kids choose to smoke, that's their decision and although I would try and guide them against it, it's their life and their mistake to make. When you were growing up, did you listen to your parents? You can't control another human being, but you can guide them. So be happy around your children and guide them in a positive way to shape them into a good person.
No mother or father should ever feel like they are not good enough for their child, because all their child wants is them! Don't see your children as "your little person who you have to look after" just, see them as who they are, as a person you want to make happy and fulfill their life. Just because a child needs so much in the beginning of life, that doesn't mean that you have to lose yourself along the way. We are important too, and if we aren't happy our children will pick up on that. It's okay to break down, and it's okay to need a break but always remember that your child will always remember that smile on your face over all the bad things that happen! We won't always be with our children, so give them something good about yourself to remember, give them that smile to remember in their memories for ever when we're not there anymore.
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